The Fear of Change

Fear is a funny thing. It can either make you plunge head first into something, causing you to face your troubles and insecurities dead on, or it can make you pivot on your heel and flee in the opposite direction. It's the thing that anchors us when we want to be free, and lets us go when we are desperate to stay put…

When I came a cross this post I knew I wanted to jot some of my fears down, as scary as it was (is). If I bring these to light maybe, just maybe I can tackle these.

What I would do if I wasn't afraid…

Expand Our Family (Sooner)
I love our little man to pieces. He is truly the light of my life. And it's becoming apparent that he isn't designed to be an only child. Except I'm afraid of  adding another child(ren ?!?). Will we transition well from three to four (or more?)? How will Marcus do with another person demanding his mommy's attention? So many days I cling by a thread to my sanity. Would expanding our family cause me to lose my marbles completely (I'm kidding. Kind of.)? The responsibility of one child is colossal. I can't wrap my hear around the idea of having to dole out that kind of responsibility to more than one tiny human.
I graduated from Iowa State (Go Cyclones!) with a BA in Journalism/Mass Communication (emphasis in television broadcast). Aside from writing a blog post every day, I haven't done a whole lot in regards to journalism.
I dream of going back to school. For the past three years I've talked about obtaining a teaching degree. But something is holding me back. The excuses of money, child care, and the like are thrown about. The bare bones of it though? It's simple. The thought of returning to school scares me. What school would I attend (there are so many smaller universities all over in SoCal)? As a mother, would I be able to give Marcus the time and attention he deserves? As a student, would I have what it takes to complete required courses and get solid grades? And seriously, can we afford to put me through school?
A graduate's cap and diploma. © lenets_tan - Fotolia.com
Live Internationally
My friends recently moved their family of four (kiddos ages 9 and 7) to Bangkok. Let that sink in for a minute… BANGKOK! This isn't a vacation, or an extended stay. They are living there. I'm amazed and inspired and blown away at the courage this must have taken.
In another life and time, had I had the chance and removed my fears, I would have loved to have lived in a foreign country. At least for a little while…
How amazing is she? Taking a job in a foreign country and getting her family on board for the adventure. I want to be like her when I grow up.
Run a Full Marathon
This one seems so silly compared to the rest. But it's true. When I decided to run halves it didn't seem so daunting. Thirteen point one miles seems so… manageable. But, 26.2? I'm honestly worried that my body wouldn't be able to handle that many miles. Completing a full is on my life bucket list. I just hope my legs can handle such a crazy goal…
Voice All of My Fears
There are several other things that I would love to add to this list, but fear is holding me back from even writing them down…

There they are, all spelled out in black and white. Just putting them out was scary.

Facing some of those fears head on will eventually become a reality. Perhaps the biggest fear of all is when. Change is scary, and if I broke it down, my fears are based around change. Any time life comes to the crossroads of 'change' and 'familiar' deciding which path to take is almost as fearful as the fear itself.

If you could strip your fears away, what freedoms would you allow yourself?

Thanks to Ang for inspiring this post.


  1. You're welcome!! Live internationally is something I would love to do too but I doubt I ever will. Voicing all my fears is definitely another one. I don't think it's possible for me or anyone really, to lay out everything I'm scared to do.

  2. You are a wonderful wife and mother and I think anything you tackle, you would succeed at. Even if it was a huge change. You moved from land of cornfields to the land of collagen and you've made LA home and have made the change work so well for your family. As much as you dislike change, that's a huge one and I'm sure there was fear there and you conquered it. I challenge you to pick on of the fears you listed and conquer it this year. You can do it Desiree. You have everything it takes and your readers/friends/family cheering you on.

  3. What about writing a book...? Surely that's a fear! :)

  4. I would love to teach internationally someday. It's my dream to work for the Department of Defense on a base at an American school.

    And go for it with the teaching degree! Teaching schedule is awesome for raising kids!! :))

  5. Change really is scary...but the scariest thing to me is the unknown factor

  6. Change is totally hard - I feel you. And most of the changes you listed are like big huge life alternating changes. It's ok to be afraid I think that makes us human. You will know when the time is right to tackles which fear (or not). Hugs lady and way to go for sharing so honestly your fears!

  7. Great post!! I say YES to them all....you can do it!! The real scary thing about fear is what you will miss out on if you don't pray, have faith, and then move forward. Do it!

    Laura @ Mice In The Kitchen

  8. Eeesshhh, I tend to be so habitual I almost don't even think about the fears that I avoid by being that way. Good post. Thanks for being real and putting some of them out there.

  9. I love love love this post - and I am so on your page :) Another baby? Sign me up or have me committed, I already took the plunge with school, I have always wanted to live internationally, we were so close - almost England, but hubby chose maryland instead...not so happy with his choice...and a full...I need to do a half first ;)

  10. Change is hard, but sometimes so needed. We're both going back to school in the fall and I'm freaking scared. I love our calm life. We're also talking about when baby #3 will join us. Even more scary to be outnumbered! Thanks for being open and sharing your fears!

  11. Umm... it's like you are in my mind right now! When I came across your blog post title on my bloglovin' I seriously thought you wrote this post to me (kidding...but seriously!). I've been toying with the idea of some of these (not the school one... I WISH I had the drive to do that like you but I have NO motivation to go back to school right now) but some other things... that I'm too scared to write on paper (or on a blog post) for all to see. Why? I don't know. It's nothing that would hurt me but just putting them down in black and white is scary. Maybe you have inspired me though... maybe look for a confessions post from me soon too?? :)

  12. If I could strip away my fears, I'd pack up and move. I'd love to live somewhere else in the States. I've grew up in this little hick town my whole life. While I do love it here because it's home, I'd love to have the opportunity to try somewhere else.

  13. I hope Eric is able to receive an assignment to an overseas duty station. I would love to live overseas. I was so ready to have child #2. Although the minute I found out I was pregnant I immediately felt guilty for changing Hannah's life. I think every parent feels that way though. There are moments of jealousy, but Hannah is pretty happy to have a sibling. And the marathon thing? That one still scares me, but I have no choice now. I paid the money so I must conquer the fear.

  14. Sometimes staring our fears in the face, makes us chase them even harder! I applaud your bravery for sharing your fears with all of us!

  15. This is such a beautiful post because it is so heartfelt. I've always thought having a normal amount of fear means you're alive and living your life with purpose otherwise, what's the point? You are a fabulous wife, mommy, and friend. When the time is right, you will know it. There is a season for all things. XO

  16. Well, let me start w/ #1 - the additional kids thing. EVERYONE DOES IT AND SURVIVES!!! :) Seriously, girl, how in the world could you NOT have enough love for me? How would Marcus NOT thrive with a sibling to love and spoil and coo over, then in a few years get in daily fights w/ only to have it's back when a bully at school steps out of line?? There, squashed that fear for you, ha!

    Why did they choose Bangkok of all places??

    I'm in the same boat w/ the school thing. Ugh, don't even get me started!

    I completely forgot about this post idea, was going to borrow it from Ang, too. Thanks for the reminder!!! :) Now go make some babies ... well, after Scott gets back. It should probably be done w/ him. :)

  17. Missed this post and love it, I relate so much. Especially about the baby thing - it's so scary and exciting all at the same time!!

  18. Adding an addition child causes MANY emotions and they are all still so fresh to me. I was so scared, as you know, but trust me when I say everyone is right and you absolutely can't comprehend what it will be like until you meet that new little one. He/she will fit absolutely perfectly into your family and you will wonder how you ever lived without them. A mother's heart is an amazing thing. It just grows and grows with each child. How amazing is it that we, as mothers, get to experience that?!

    I've thought about the school thing as well and realized that for us and our location, etc. it would be pointless, but I do understand how hard of a decision it is. I have no doubt that you would be able to handle it and do great though if you do choose to give it a go!

    As for the marathon, I'm right there with you. It's still on my bucket list, but now more than ever, I wonder how I'll ever find the time to train for it. But I do know that if it's something you (or I) want to do that you can make it happen!

  19. This post is amazing. I can't really even formulate my fears right now...but this post has made me think a lot. I really appreciate your openness and your willingness to share. My life is a mixture of happiness and stress at the moment, and a lot of unknowns about the future (my job was only temporary through the end of the school year, and I'm having to apply again for a new school position come September). I need to embrace these moments and future changes instead of being fearful of them.

  20. Right? Isn't parenting just one hard enough? I have absolutely no idea how people are on #3, and it being like 3 under 4. That is the definition of insanity to me. I'm way too scared of the no sleep. I'm not a happy person with no sleep. I'm just way too scared that I'd be a bad mom for as long as it took for the second to get some good sleeping going on, and we all know that can be a c*ap shoot. I love the idea, but the reality is just very daunting. I'm with on that fear.
    Living abroad? That is amazing! I think it would be a great adventure, but I think if it was put in front of me I'd be trembling and change my mind. Again the idea sounds great, but the reality is kind of overwhelming.
    Great post! Way to be so honest!